Notable quotes

1. “My skin is dead good. I think it must be a combination of being in love and Lucozade.”

2. “I have realised I have never seen a dead body or a real female nipple. This is what comes of living in a cul-de-sac.”

3. “I have a problem. I am an intellectual, but at the same time I am not very clever."

4. “I asked Pandora how long she would love me. She said, ‘As long as Britain has Gibraltar.’”

5. “Guilt is a destructive emotion and doesn’t fit in with my Life Plan.”

6. “I was racked with sexuality but it wore off when I helped my father put manure on our rose bed.”

7. “Mrs Thatcher has got eyes like a psychotic killer, but a voice like a gentle person. It is a bit confusing.”

8. “My mother is in the hospital grounds smoking a cigarette. She is looking old and haggard. All the debauchery is catching up with her.”

9. “Perhaps when I am famous and my diary is discovered people will understand the torment of being a 13 3/4 year old undiscovered intellectual.”

10. “The tap drips and keeps me awake/ In the morning there will be a lake” – one of the first poems written by Adrian Albert Mole, aged 13 ¾.

11. “Pandora smiled at me in school dinner today, but I was choking on a piece of gristle so I couldn't smile back. Just my luck!”

12. “Evelyn Waugh must be dead proud of his daughter, Auberon.”

13. “There's only one thing more boring than listening to other people's dreams, and that's listening to their problems.”

14. “My father was reading Playboy under cover of the candlelight and I was reading Hard Times by my key-ring torch.”

15. “After hearing the disgusting noises from downstairs last night, I have also vowed never to drink alcohol.”